Fatty

Time to Complain again....

2006-08-28T23:53:02Z

So my mother wants me to get another job. That's fine.

But even after I say "okay", she starts giving me some fucking speech about how much money I've been spending and lectures about how she doesn't earn that much and blah blah blah.

Basically, fuck money.
I hate it.

I hate the fact that people are so dependant on it. I hate that my mother pushes me about it all the fucking time. I eat. I'm sorry. I drive places, it's horrible I know. I mean what kind of stupid, horrible daughter eats and hangs out with people. I don't like go out and party and spread my money all around for fun. Twenty bucks doesn't buy shit anymore. I can barely get anything to eat for like 5 dollars. It's ridiculous.

Argh. I'm so angry today. For so many fucking reasons.

It's been a while.

2006-03-27T08:12:11Z

I fcuk up.

Boy, do I fuck up.

I am yelled at.

Am I sad?

Sometimes.

Am I angry that I'm failing?

Sometimes. Sometimes I'm just indifferent. Or I think I'm indifferent and then my mom says something and I get angry, but at her.

But I'm really angry at myself and I'm too afraid to admit it.

I'm really so angry all the time, I don't know what to do.

and maybe that's better. Maybe I should give up.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-12-25T01:34:00

2005-12-25T09:36:27Z

I just saw United States of Leland..

Amazing.

"The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in people. Mostly it stays deep down and buried. Maybe we don't have God because we're scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we're really scared of the good stuff. Because if there's no God, well, that means it's inside of us and we could be good all the time if we wanted. So when we do bad things, it'd be because we want to or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what the good stuff is in the first place. "

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-12-11T17:26:00

2005-12-12T01:27:04Z

I think we're all too scared to kill ourselves.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-12-10T22:27:00

2005-12-11T06:27:31Z

I feel thrown away.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-11-22T23:15:00

2005-11-23T08:38:36Z

If you want to read about my latest emotional bullshit... keep goin..

further..

further....

Okay so basically... Things that make me depressed:

1. Zack moved to Japan. Basically I won't be talking to him much for the next 3-5 years.

2. I have lost touch with everyone.. yet again. I dont know what it is..

I don't get invited places ...like ever.. Am I supposed to read your mind as to where you guys are hanging out or am I just not wanted? Lemme know so I stop trying.. Even though I kinda have already.

3. Jersey tomorrow.

4.Lacking sleep.

Funny thing is, in the past few numbers I have started to feel better as I wrote.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-11-06T22:46:00

2005-11-07T06:46:22Z

To those who should hear it:

I love honesty.

and I love hippie clothes.

I love british films..

and driving to the beach..

and weekends.

and my car even though it looks retarded..

I kinda want a boy.

I'm getting bored of just kisses.

I wanna feel something..

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-10-30T17:24:00

2005-10-31T01:24:37Z

Basically I do not like chicks.

They bug me sometimes.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-10-26T19:32:00

2005-10-27T02:34:33Z

I fail.

Let's just leave it at that.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-10-25T19:42:00

2005-10-26T02:54:07Z

Okay so I'm going to randomly update this because well.. I'm not as angry anymore.

So Leah, how's life been? Any new interests? Hobbies? Work?

Well, audience.. Life's alright. It's very mellow which is a lot better than being way too upsetting.

I miss some people. Mainly the seniors that had left.

Mainly Chris and Josh and Justin and Chuckie.

New interests? Meh, you guys know me better than that. I don't do interests. :)

Work is good. I'm currently workin at Italia so for all you cool kids, come visit me sometime.

Anywho... I have three things I can do this weekend:

Hang out with Devlin at the L.A. Colloseum.

Go to midnight movie (Clockwork Orange)

or go to a party with Zack.

Help me decide.

I hope you all have had a good week so far.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-10-20T22:11:00

2005-10-21T05:14:10Z

"My head is like a cinderblock".

So I haven't been able to write at all lately. My fingers don't like me much anymore. And the fact that each sentence is taking me about a few minutes to get out, is sort of sad. Make that 10.

I just want to get rid of this block.

Maybe it's gone..

Maybe she's left and is never coming back.

My muse is gone.

I have nothing to write about. I have nothing to say. I am voice-less. Worthless.

All I want is to write something again....

That's all I want.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-09-11T11:40:00

2005-09-11T18:42:11Z

I'm not using this anymore.

Because it consists mainly of me stating how I do nothing but drive around aimlessly with nowhere to go on the weekends.

Because it wastes my life, although I don't really have one.

And because I thought i would get response from this, but I don't.

So fuck it.

I'm Gone.

Not that you will, but if you want to hang out with me you will have to call.

Not that you would.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-09-10T00:14:00

2005-09-10T07:15:22Z

Someone told me I looked like Mischa Barton tonight.

I thought it was humorous.

I've been bored. I don't have anyone's number anymore. Call me if you want to hang out..

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-08-26T00:45:00

2005-08-26T04:46:10Z

1) Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.
2) I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3) I'll pick a flavor/color of jello to wrestle with you in.
4) I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5) I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6) I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7) I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

I'm trendy.

You wake up in Newark..

2005-08-23T04:42:44Z

So I'm leaving again......

I've figure it out. I'm not meant to have long-term friends because I travel all the time. I leave for somewhere, they get new friends, I come back, I become depressed... I get new friends, I leave again.. it's a vicious cycle and I'm just waiting to be destroyed in the process..

Anyways.

You wake up in Heathrow.

You wake up in Leonardo Da Vinci Airport.

You wake up in Frankfurt.

You wake up in LAX.

You wake up in Newark...

It's a vicious fuckin cycle.

The point of this is...

I'll be in New Jersey until sunday around 3:45 is when I fly back. I will be needing love in between and after so if you would kindly call me or email or comment, whateva, that'd be cool. Or ya know, I can just be stuck in Jersey with no California lovely accents. I'll come back with like an old jewish Jersey woman accent and I will be forced to shoot myself... Or not.. ya know.

Anyways. Call me, text me, comment, i'll be online randomly.

Comment, make me feel loved.

"Some roads aren't meant to be travelled alone."--Proverb.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-08-21T23:56:00

2005-08-22T06:57:11Z

I've made a conscious effort to hang out with people. They have not reciprocated. So fuck that. I give up. If you guys don't want to hang out with me, i'll leave you the fuck alone.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-08-21T18:03:00

2005-08-22T01:04:59Z

I love tshirt hell

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-08-20T20:36:00

2005-08-21T03:43:54Z

Its funny how my voice gets deeper, scratchy, more stern when im yelling very loudly at someone. Ive never been so angry and released it.

My hands shake.
They shook for something to grip.
And the closest thing to my hand was a knife. So instead of doing something stupid, i cut open my chair. Because cutting leather has the most resistance and releases the most tension.
Because my hands are still shaking, but not as badly.
Because I let out that breath I was holding in as I yelled.

"Silence does not mean that I'm being bitchy. Silence means I protecting you from something worse I could be saying."

I will never let myself go like that again.

I've never wanted to hurt someone or myself so much in my life.

It scared the shit out of me how angry I got.

And then my mother asks where Im going tonight.

Ha. As if I could go to this party and not drink everything in sight.

With my chair completely destroyed, it's hard for me to think clearly, being this angry.

Someone save me from myself.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-08-20T19:31:00

2005-08-21T02:31:38Z

And the lightning bolts just keep on coming.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-08-17T01:26:00

2005-08-17T08:26:24Z

So I'm back.. And apparently everyone's lives are falling apart.

And apparently people are pissed at others, leaving for good, and seem to be downright happy to see me. (right.)

Someone told me that it seems to be getting easier and easier for them to leave agoura. It makes me sad.

And I come home and I have no touch with friends.

And my car keeps stalling.

And whenever I'm alone I want to cry.

And I'm angry..

And I'm leaving again in a week for new jersey.

And I'm tired of feeling alone.

But I don't want to be with anyone. As I proved in Europe.

And it scared the crap out of me that I had anyone who liked me, let alone two.

And it pissed me off because the one who actually cared enough to ask me out, didn't know me well enough to know what he was getting into.

Because I am messed up.

Let me rephrase: I am fucked up beyond repair. And I doubt anyone could handle it.

And it pissed me off that he kept pushing. And he didn't understand. And that I don't trust anyone to get close anymore.

And now I have to get a ride to rite aide tomorrow because thats where my car is.

So now I am calm and I'm going to watch tv and then go to bed because Im exhausted.

Sleep well, for tomorrow may never come.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-08-15T19:39:00

2005-08-16T02:39:37Z

I'm back.

Call me on my cell.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-08-01T00:32:00

2005-08-01T07:32:15Z

If God is there for us.. why are so many of us so alone?

I see many of my friends infected with this horrible sadness.

And the fact that I cannot help.

And I am leaving tomorrow at 12 to make my way to Europe.

Call my cell before then if you want to talk.

Or if you want my european cell number.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-07-30T12:26:00

2005-07-30T19:34:28Z

Mkay for all you who don't know..

Monday I am leaving at 12 to go to the airport to make my way to London.

I will be in London for 4 days.

After that, we are taking a ferry across the English channel and goin to Paris, France.

I will be in Paris for a few days.

Then, we are taking a night train to Zurich, Switzerland.

I will be in Zurich for one day.

To end this fabulous trip, I am taking a train to Italy, and spending the remainder of the trip in Italy.

And I can just see myself getting to London and saying "I'm home."

And yes, I am bringing 40 rolls of film so you will all see this adventure.

I will update later with my cell phone number that I can accept free incoming calls, and text messaging..

Comment if you want me to send a postcard from a certain place or something.

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-07-04T00:39:00

2005-07-04T07:46:49Z

List 5 things you do when alone that relax you completely. Then tag 5 people and have them post their five things in their journal.

In AGOURA: is it bad that I can't relax anymore?
• drive

nosocksforpengu @ 2005-07-04T00:32:00

2005-07-04T07:35:03Z

Why is it that summer makes everything fall apart?

Each day I grow weaker..
Each day this boulder weighs down my shoulders even more..
Each day my life gets more and more twisted up.
Each day I get an inch closer to the cliff..
Each day I wish I could just get closer..
And I'm going to fall soon.